Friday, August 01, 2008

Ups and Downs


We had something stolen from our backyard: the LED stake that Mike's mom gave us for Easter. Rat-bastard neighbourhood children. I thought when the terrors moved away from two doors down, we'd be done with this kind of thing. Why even try to beautify your yard, then, if it's just going to get stolen? Are we supposed to lock our back gates now too?

The house is an absolute mess. Between the second dog and the old furniture and old buffet not gone yet, and the couch table not moved upstairs yet, the place is crowded and impossible to move around in, let alone get tidy and clean. And when things aren't at least approaching tidy, I get cranky and tense, which totally doesn't help. Insert expletive here.

Pain clinic is almost over, and I'm finally starting to feel like they're treating me as not a whiny, unmotivated, frightened, person who says they want to get better but doesn't truly mean it. It only took them seven of the eight weeks to figure it out, and I bet it's because I talked to the psychologist about it briefly on Monday, and he probably said something equally vague to the team during their daily meeting. Posture is a ton better (okay, that should probably go in the Ups category), but pain level is up, so that means I'm not as restful at night, so I wake up tired and more sore.

I really really wish we were going fishing with Mom and Dad and Sheila and Nathan. Instead, Mike has to work in a place where the tension level seems to ratchet daily, and I have to finish pain clinic and deal with work stuff when my board and all the clubs seem to have gone AWOL for the summer and no one seems to want the position we have available, clean the house, try to keep Priest off the new furniture when I can now that he's discovered it, try to not give Red any opportunities for further drama-queen-ness, and try to not kill anything or anyone (except the random bush in the backyard and the weeds).

The supplements and nutrition aren't working on the fatigue, so I feel like I'm just flushing money away and not enjoying anything in the meantime. Time for that to stop, I think. It's just increasing my frustration.


Okay, what was that, five downs? The psychologist at pain clinic suggest that to keep equilibrium in your life, you balance each positive or negative thought with one from the other side. So now I will try to come up with five positives of equal power to the negatives. This will probably take longer...

My GP seemed to believe me that I am tired all the time, and is willing to start testing to figure out why. So as soon as I can figure out a time, I'm going to go get more blood taken (hopefully), which will look for things like CFS, sleep apnea, and some other things like some kind of virus and my testosterone levels (I have no idea why; I can't remember). But at least it's motion to try and put a name to whatever's happening.

The new vehicle is nice to drive. Priest fits well in the back, and there's still lots of room for other things. Someday I'll figure out how to turn down the bass in the stereo.

Knitting group is going well. I managed to get an ad in the St. Albert Gazette this past week, and there were a few new people who came on Wednesday. I started work on my Hurray End of Pain Clinic scarf, which is in the eye-burning yellow/green cotton/rayon yarn that I bought when I was in Calgary last time. It's super easy, and I've already memorized the pattern, though the yarn is splitty as hell and the rayon catches on the knitting needles (!) and pulls. I've also started the light blue on the Endless Afghan/Great Gauge Experiment, but figured out that at an average of an hour per round, I'm still looking at between 50 and 60 hours left before it's done. I told knitting group that when it was ready to cast off, I'd save it and bring it to group and spend the whole time casting off. I swear, it'll take that long... And I'm crocheting the first of however many I can finish greyhound dolls for the Chinook Winds barbecue and fundraiser in September. More adventures in three dimensions! I've also picked out a fall project (Mmm... Pretty. Can anyone suggest a colour?), and at some point must go yarn shopping for it.

That's three...

Priest is doing really well with the extra dog in the house, except for the getting on the furniture thing. He hasn't growled, snapped, or done anything aggressive. He is a little more clingy on our walks, and prefers to walk beside me rather than out in front sniffing everything. Although the house really is too small for a second permanent dog (not that we can afford one, although I'm completely infatuated with Mesa), it's a good sign if we want to start fostering or doing more babysitting. Just need to get rid of the extraneous furniture, and things'll be much more manageable.

One more... (squeezes brain for some happy thought) I knew the positives would be hard today...

My posture is a lot better. People even comment on it. So if I get nothing else out of pain clinic, at least I got this. And the chance to meet some really interesting people, and some people who are interesting from an observer's perspective, and to be able to look at the people who come to pain clinic and know that, despite the fact that I too have chronic pain, I am actually one of the ones who is better off. I'm still working, I have something that resembles a life, and I am not in so much pain that that is all there is in my existence. So despite the way it messed with my work schedule and my summer, it was worth it.

*deep sigh* There. Done. But I reserve the right to still be twitchy and hostile until the house is clean and the chores are done.



/hugs ! I can't do much more than that from here. Don't worry about the house though, you'll be cleaning it for the rest of your life - a few messy weeks won't matter!

And that Afghan is absolutely gorgeous! I'd go with a fall color, nothing to dark, but nothing to bright either :-)

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