Some thinking on fencing

After my meltdown Tuesday night, I've been doing a lot of thinking. One of the things I identified as contributing to my meltdown was missing fencing. I miss the movement, the workout, the mental aspect, the people, and the challenge. It is such a wonderful sport, and quite frankly the perfect sport for me. Starting to wear my breeches/socks/shoes to the gym, and doing footwork as my warmup, maybe wasn't such a good idea, as it brings the fact that fencing is missing from my life in an important way into focus.

This is where I start thinking about my job. I love my job, and I won't be leaving it anytime soon, if I have my way, but there are times, like this past week, where working with the back-end, administrative side of fencing is painful. Because it's not fencing. It's not training, bouting, footwork, or coaching. It's paperwork, grant application, accounting, event planning, and the various other tasks so that other people can do the training, bouting, footwork, and coaching. And I know I'm out of it for health reasons. I do. But there are times like these, where my stress level creeps up and the gym is a stress rather than a stress release, that I resent it. I don't like it, that little petty part of my brain, but it's there. I resent the people who can still fence. The people out there with tendonitis, carpal tunnel, knee problems, whose injuries have not forced them out of the sport yet, and maybe never will. And the people who have no injuries or conditions to speak of, who can just fence without worrying about pain, or injuring themselves more.

I think not presiding this weekend might be a good idea. I just need a couple of days to get perspective, go for a walk, argue with my assigned trainer at the gym again, go for another walk :), maybe do a Video On Demand for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire if it's available, maybe get the shelf bought and put up in the laundry room, and just get away from fencing for a couple of days. I think I can stop with the resentment if I do that, because then I can shore up my fragile centring/openness again following my breakdown, which I haven't had an opportunity to do yet. Then next week, I can love my job without letting it get to me.