Once again...

According to the doc, I'm fit as a fiddle, if a bit overweight. Of course, we still need to see the results of the tests (didn't completely freak out about the needle this time! Had a great nurse, though), but if there's nothing there, and I'm still feeling tired and such in a month, I have a follow-up appointment, where we will discuss alternatives. Not medications! Man, this guy is cool. He'd rather try to help without medication first, and then medicate if needed. That makes me so happy! I hate being medicated. So, anyway, I'm going to try and make myself better by eating well, trying to sleep regular hours, continue with yoga and pilates, and reward myself every now and again.

Working environment

So, they're refinishing the roof at work. I knew this wasn't exactly going to be pleasant, since, you know, I'm on the third floor, and there is no fourth floor, but so far it hasn't been too terrible. I mean, you don't exactly like to walk into work and see someone chopping at the roof with an axe, and the tar smell isn't exactly the best either, but you know. And then we have today...

I don't know what they're doing, to be honest. It sounds like they're rototilling, but I know that can't be it. Whatever big, nasty machine they're running, it's hellishly loud, and I can't even hear myself think! Thank goodness I spend most of today out of the office! Maybe they'll get done sanding or tilling or tearing up whatever it is they're tearing up, so tomorrow will actually be back to the pounding, chopping, and only occasional 500 lb weight dropping that I'm sort of used to.

In other news, in an effort to treat myself/take more time for myself, I am considering going for a manicure and pedicure every three months. Yes, it's girly. Oh well. Next up would be December, and I think I will get the electric blue nailpolish, if they still have it.

The long awaited body image post

It's Friday, and the bank statement won't balance, so before I tear it up, since I'm sure my boss would be unhappy about that, I thought I would take a break and write the long-awaited (maybe) body image post.

Consider the following. Click each for a bigger view.





I showed these pictures to Mike when he asked what the post would be about. He looked at them, and shrugged and said, "What's wrong with those?"

And there's the rub. 'Cause even though all four are taken on the same day, by the same photographer, with the same camera, I think the left ones are all right, but the right ones aren't. The left ones coincide fairly decently to how I perceive my own body, my own internal body image, but in the right ones don't for various reasons.

...

And as I sit here and consider the things that I'd intended to say, things about how strange it is that the internal and external pictures don't match, how hurtful it is to hate pictures of yourself, how frustrating it is that I fall in that 95% of women who do not consider themselves beautiful, I realize that I don't really have to say these things, and I realize that, in some ways, posting about this topic is half call to arms, half cry for help.

It's been, quite frankly, an awful week. I had a severe moodswing on Tuesday, from playful to distraught in the space of two hours, and though Wednesday improved, Thursday I was back to the extreme fatigue that's dogged me for so long, accompanied by some rather annoying irritability. And I'm tired of it. I'm not happy. It's not that I'm unhappy, because I SOOOOO am not. I have a wonderful fiance, a nice (if slightly unkempt) house, fabulous family and friends, I know how to knit, and even if I have a few more pounds of body fat than I should, I'm working on it, and I'm not obese. But I'm not happy. And why is that?

Let's turn to the things I need to let go. I need to let go of the guilt about a dusty house and a dirty bathroom. I need to let go of blaming myself for events that I have little to no control over. I need to let go of (and this may be key for self esteem) the pain left over from high school when people called me "Pat," and I finally found out who "Pat" was and why they were calling me that (back when I had shorter hair). I need to let go of the stress associated with not being perfect, having my share of human faults, and not being able to do anything about it.

Ah yes, easier said than done. But how do I go about it? Sheila and Nathan admonished me in their birthday card to, "Take more time for myself." Is that step one? Mike says I need to stop beating myself up about things. I do notice I'm doing it, after the fact, and it strikes me as a fairly recent phenomenon. When did I get a martyr complex? How do I get rid of it, before it ruins every relationship I have?

As I write this, I'm flipping back to the pictures I posted. They seem to have changed slightly. I don't hate the right pictures anymore. I still know why I picked them out to illustrate my previous point, but I do seem to be looking at them slightly differently. Maybe we are witness to a pivotal moment in my life here. Who knows? There's still a hellishly long way to go, even if we are, and I doubt it's something I can do completely on my own. I know this is vague, disjointed, and fairly unformed, but if anyone has any suggestions, I think I just might be open to them at this point. Quickly! I just don't know when I'll shut down again... Hope it's not for a while...

Jean emergency!

I know, I know, I promised an intellectual-ish post about body image. And I will post it, soon. But I couldn't let today go by without regaling you all with the jean emergency, in the hopes of inspiring a few smiles. :)

As some of you know, this past weekend Mike and I made a quick trip down to Calgary to spend some time with Mike's mom. On Friday night, we'd decided that I would make wontons for dinner, since she loves them, and was feeling okay after the second half of her first chemo treatment. So there I was, standing in the kitchen, merrily making wonton after wonton, while Mike and his mom were behind me chatting about something to do with something, and suddenly Mike says to me, "Honey, did you know you have a rip in your jeans?"

This isn't something you want to hear with your Dear Mother In Law also standing right behind you. Heck, I can hardly think of anyone you'd want standing behind you! Add to that the fact that the jeans aren't very old (only about four or five months), were expensive, and are, in point of fact, the ONLY PAIR OF PANTS YOU HAVE WITH YOU on this trip, and the adrenaline starts going.

Okay, okay. Maybe it's not so bad. "I do? Where?" I ask.

"Right at the back. Right beside the pocket."

You mean... Where my underwear is? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

After proclaiming this, Mike and his mom went off to fiddle about with her computer, and I finished making the wontons I could, washed my hands, and scurried off to the bathroom in the hopes that it wasn't as bad as my imagination was making it out to be.

Of course it wasn't. It was worse.

My jeans had a run in them, about seven inches long and two inches wide, something resembling the run you get in a pair of nylons. My jeans. My not very old, expensive, and did I mention THE ONLY PAIR OF PANTS I HAD WITH ME jeans.

I called Tallgirl. There was some talk of buying a stop-gap pair at Old Navy and finding the receipt at home when we got there, but on the advice of my DMIL I called Tallgirl. And you know what they said? "We've actually had a lot of problems with that style of Parisucos."

WHERE WAS THE MANUFACTURER'S RECALL!!!! WHY DID YOU WAIT UNTIL I SHOWED MY UNDERWEAR OFF TO MY DMIL, PEOPLE!!!!

Thankfully, my leather jacket covered the rip quite thoroughly if I stood up straight enough, and Mike stood behind me on the escalator on our slightly-before-closing time emergency trip to Eaton's Centre downtown. They were very good about it, and even refunded me the $20 difference between the expensive jeans and the emergency replacement jeans.

So that was how my weekend started. It turned out very well, in the end, but it started with a jean emergency. :) I hope I've at least inspired a smile or two out there in virtual-land. I'll return soon!

Thanksgiving Hallowe'en fun!

I did promise a cookie house progression! It turned out to be more of a one-person project than a two-person, though I did ice half the roof. In the end, Mike did most of the work, though I was nearby. I spent most of Thanksgiving Monday in the kitchen while Mike was in the dining room. Dishes got done, icing got made, and so did wontons! Oh, they are soooooooo delicious, and EASY! :) Thanksgiving dinner was stuffing, pseudo-mashed potatoes, and Mustard Sauced Chicken, with turkey breast substituted for the chicken. It was a slightly rude awakening on Sunday when we went out to buy a turkey, only remember (on my part) that whole turkeys are always frozen, and we'd never get it defrosted for Monday. Turkey breast it was! And while the potatoes were mostly raw, and so did not mash worth anything, dinner was delicious. And now, on to the cookie house!


It stands! Mike did an excellent job of trimming the pieces and icing them together to form the house.


One window. Ooooo... Scary...


Front side nearly finished decorating, with the carnage of actual making around it. Nope, doesn't look like the box at all. Still looks good. :)


The artist hard at work.


The ultra-creative back side of the house in progress.


The finished front of the house.


The finished back of the house. I still need to go home today and dye coconut green for the grass.

On a final note, we have created a memorial to our aquarium friends who have passed on. It seemed appropriate, if slightly morbid, but the time was right to find a gravestone decoration. Now we need to find a shelf to add to the wall above our 20g tank, so it can have a permanent home.



There is another post forthcoming, either today or tomorrow, which will not be nearly as light-hearted, as it deals with the topic of body image. Stay tuned!

A little hat

I did promise photos of the little hat. It is a bit bigger now, as I'm four rows from finishing colour 2, but you get the idea.


Back side.



Front side. Colour three is a darker tan, and then it's away from the neutrals and into other colours! The first is light mint green, I believe. I do hope to get some work done this weekend. We have the upstairs TV back and repaired (hopefully), so I might be able to watch some M*A*S*H and knit! That would make me so happy...

Sacre Bleu!

In just over a week, I turn 29 years old, and begin the hard work of making it through my 30th year on this planet. Good heavens. I think that that is a place I don't really want to go right now, as it is full of questions of what have I done with 30 years, why aren't I in this place or that place, what on earth am I going to do for the next thirty, and so on and so forth. I would really rather enjoy the moment, so I will attempt to do that.

This weekend is a long one, and thank goodness, because I really want to kick this leftover cough that has me out of commission for about fifteen minutes to half an hour each night, hacking up a lung or two, and I think I just need to rest. To that end, Mike and I have been doing some tidying/cleaning/chores each day this week when we get home. I may still have to put aside two or three hours this weekend to clean the bathrooms and kitchen, but at least it's not the whole house! We do have some plans, though. There is no yoga, sadly, so we're going to go down and check out the indoor farmer's market instead, to see if any of our favourite sellers are there. All the ones we asked last weekend said they weren't going to be. :( We're also going to order in one night, for an unspecified celebration (can't tell yet), and we're likely going to go to Rona to buy a snowblower before there's actual snow to blow. Mike has requested a turkey dinner one night, to celebrate our first Thanksgiving in the house, which will necessitate a trip to the grocery store and probably a roaster purchase, since we don't have one. I'm considering finally making wontons as well, and possibly bagels. And, we bought this! So we'll probably put that together on Monday, which Mike has suggested be a pyjama day. :) I do believe that our first cookie house deserves a full photo progression and post, so stay tuned!

There's a lot of food in the above plans, I notice. I was complimented on my cooking the other day. Apparently, word of my prowess in the kitchen is making its way through our virtual circle of friends, only one pair of which have actually partaken of it. Of course, if promise of good food is enough to get more of them to come visit... Personally, I feel my claim to fame is being able to follow a recipe and not be afraid to experiment with spices. I'm by no means a gourmet. But I do like good food. Hmm...

I've sent some mail these last few days, and in doing so I've discovered how much I've missed sending mail. This doesn't mean that all of you will be deluged with cards and letters, as my hands still can't handle a whole ton of writing. But we do have a printer now, and there is much tidyness on the dining room table, so you may see more things coming from the house. I make no promises, but I have missed it.

And on a final note, I must link-share something I found on Rampant Bicycle's blog. OMG, do I want some of this! I mean, what self-respecting PIRATE wouldn't?